rest In PeacE... aMen..

Suppose be the happiest month for me... BUT... 

It has turned into the saddest month for me , especially this year - 2007.

Wondering why??!! It's because..

My boy friend has commited suicide on the last 12th May.. He jumped from the tallest building at Kuching - Civic Centre. He choose to jumped on the month where I'll celebrating my birthday by the end of this month..
I feel very x 100000,00000 sad... And blaming myself of course, think that I'm failed to be his's girl friend.. Unable to understand his's needs and feeling..
Things happened so suddenly.. Just on that day morning, when i wake up from my sleep.. and received a phone called from a policeman said "your friend, is death at Civic Centre here..."
I prayed in my heart to god and beg god "hope... he's not the one.."
I rushed to the scene.. my heart dropped into gorund when i first saw his's car parked at the parking lot.. Then the police officer asked me to identified his's body at the lift pit.. At this moment, I really.. almost fainted.. But I'd to be stong to helped the police investigate in this cases..
Police found the suicide note that  wrote by him in the car.. Is for me and his's family members... Just wrote "beg for your forgiveness...."

Days going to be busy.. choose coffin for him, day for cremation etc...

At last, all things are done.. His's arshes are sending back to his's home town.. I accompany him along during the journey.. My heart are weak.. Sometimes when think back again... When i refresh our time of beeing together, really missed those happy days.. But I know is hard for me.. Cos there's no turning back time..
The moment saw his's body, really feel like want to jump along with him.. As I am blamimg him too... How come he left me alone?! He's so selfish... And he can discuss about his's problems and feelings to me.. WHY need to suicide??!!WHY??!!But, normally those who are suicide can be described as selfish person..
Even after the inccident, I also ever think wanna suicide too.. I know suicide is wrong from the religious way.. Also I'll feel guilt on my parents.. Really, I not that brave enough to end up my life.. Cos I dont dare to left my parents alone.. I also know it's a biggest sin in the religous way yet not acceptance by the god..
Along all the journey, thanks for my friends who are concerning about me.. Really feel glad to have you all besides me, support me and cheer me up... I only need time to cure my pain and forget about him.. As we suppose to get marry by the end of this year.. But all things gone.. Only his's memory are keep in my heart.. Deep down..
Friends and family members keep theirs eye tight on me.. Worry me will do stupid things also.. As I ever think and want to.. Till today, is almost 2 weeks already since he's passed away.. Time pass so fast!! I am not allow to go out alone.. Even to work place, dad or bro will drive me..
Really appreciate you guys..  Help and needs... and tried to be patience with me.. Is hard to forget him.. Is the month where I was borned and the month he's death..